The first month in the great, white North...and musings on the fat self.

If you didn't know (which most people didn't), I've moved back up North. I'm working for a nonprofit in a small city. Don't worry. I'm still a hot mess.

So far...everything has been great. My job, and the children I work with, bring me a sense of happiness I didn't know I could experience. I love my apartment and my coworkers. 

All of this is lovely. It just has to be ruined by something, yeah? It is. I've got a freaking crush. 

I was expecting to come here and be happily single. I thought I was at a place in my life where attention, whether it be from men or women, was unnecessary. Now, I find myself flustered and anxious more so than is normal...but I like it. 

I enjoy seeing this person. I smile every time I'm facing them. I crave their attention and nearness. I fantasise about stealing small touches because we don't want everyone to find out. I find myself hoping that they like me as much as I like them...but I know they probably don't. 

(This is about to turn into a post about self confidence and self doubt, so be warned.)

I know, from lots of experience, that most people do not prefer women of my size and body type. At least outwardly they do not. There are still others that just fetishise women of my size/body type. It always gets a bit creepy when you can tell that someone is just into you for your body. I never know whether to take it as a compliment, or slap them in the face. Jk. I know exactly what to do. Always slap them in the face. 

I try to stay positive about myself, but I can't help but wonder, how would my love life change if I were five sizes smaller? Would I be happier? Would every person that I find mentally and physically attractive find me so as well? How much heartache would I be saved from people outright telling me that I'm too fat to love? The answer is, it does not matter. My life is the way it is, and I have grown because of it. I will not wish to change it.

It takes a bit of courage and willpower to not spend all day thinking like that. It also takes a bit of a wake up call. You are not special. Every single person wants to change something about themselves or their body. Every single person worries about whether or not someone will reject them because of something they see as a flaw. Every thought you have about your outward appearance, thousands of other someone else's have had the same thought before you (and at the same time as you). 

You are not special...but you are wonderful and unique in your own way. You are beautiful and, ok, you're even a bit special. You might be super talented at guitar. You might be hilarious as hell. You're probably the best at whatever you think you're the best at. (You play that bagpipe, Ian...or whatever your name is!) the point is you are special for reasons outside of your worries and physical appearance. 

I know, it will get difficult to love yourself every day, all the time. As you can see, I'm struggling with it myself right now. However, you have to remember that you are worth what you are made of. You're worth the stars! If someone doesn't find you attractive, that's their loss. You move on. Know that they were not worthy of your brilliance. One day, someone will enter your life right when you need them. They will see all of the light shining from you that other's before them failed to recognise. 

I'm learning that. I'm working on being content with loving myself. If my crush doesn't like me, oh well. I'll just enjoy the feeling of childish nervousness while it lasts. :)

Peace, Love, and Four Part Harmony!

Yve

Fat women, body positivity, and me.

I got asked by my little (big) cousin why I post so many fat women in my body positive tag on my personal tumblr. What about the skinny and average sized women? Well, that answer is a simple one to give.

I DON’T IDENTIFY WITH SKINNY AND AVERAGE SIZED BODIES. 

All bodies are beautiful. Believe me. Honestly though, it took a while for me to get to that point. Since my preteen years, and probably even before that, I felt that my body wasn’t beautiful and that I would never be worth love when I grew up. Up until about four years ago, I tried to hide myself away in frumpy, baggy clothing so as not to bring attention to my “disgusting” body. No girls or guys ever saw me as attractive, so I didn’t give myself the chance to see my beauty. I just spent time cultivating this kick ass personality, picking over food in public, and trying to get smarticle because that was what was going to set me apart from all the other people. Yeah….
Then 2010 came around, and I chopped all of my hair off. It left me in a vulnerable state, but helped me look at myself grow along with my hair. I started to feel more confident in not only my looks, but in myself as a human being. However, I was still a little iffy about my body weight. Then around the end of 2010, I just said “Fuck it!” I started wearing dresses and more heels and generally feeling like if you don’t like my body, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a good goddamn!”
However, it wasn’t until 2012 that I finally stopped wanting to pressure myself to lose weight completely. That’s when I found tumblr (🙌) and met this community of fat, empowered, gorgeous women who kick ass, don’t give a shit about taking names, and lift each other up on a daily basis. Here was a group that I could physically and emotionally identify with (that had nothing, and sometimes everything, to do with my race). It was the best thing to ever virtually happen to me!
Our body type is not (popularly) shown on television, written about in books, or sung about on the radio in a positive light. We’re generally the butt of the joke and never given the love and respect of skinny/average sized women. It’s not their fault, it’s just what’s in style. Fat women on tumblr gave me the opportunity to view women just like me and know that despite what most of society outwardly thinks, I’m so fucking beautiful and desirous!
You might think finding yourself beautiful is shallow, but consider this. When a person, who has spent their entire life (that may be hyperbole) thinking that they’re unworthy of basic human dignity because people have told them so countless times, finally takes it upon themselves to eschew that notion…is that not revolutionary? Is self love not acceptable when it isn’t practiced by those you find beautiful? When it isn’t for the consumption of the masses?
My body is beautiful. I accept it at any size it is. Your body is beautiful. It protects your wonderful spirit. You should love it, and yourself, unconditionally. Every body is beautiful. Shape, colour, or size, it’s an appetiser for the eyes…or some shit like that.

Dream Journal 13 July 2014

It started out that I was in a quadruple feature movie with a friend. There was and advertisement during the movie for zombies that were wanting to stay fresh and presentable for dates. It was for a blood douche for your lady bits. And there were scenes of raw meat on the screen around her. I found it, the ad, in bad taste because I didn't think zombies and humans wanted to be reminded that one was hungry for their flesh and the other would slaughter them at anytime to protect itself. Then, somehow, I was married to Cha Seung Won*, and we were actually blissfully happy. Though, I think he had a problem with alcohol. He had a fashion show to do, and then he came to meet me at train station/auto repair centre/shopping mall thing. He got off the train, leaving all of the other models there. I helped him get to the bathroom. Then I was talking to this woman. She was saying how "beautiful that guy was. Was I his personal assistant?" I told her no, that was my husband. And the disbelief didn't show on her face, but malice and disbelief were clear in her eyes. He didn't come out of the bathroom for about thirty minutes, so I went into the men's to find him. He wasn't there, but when I came back out, the woman said "Maybe he left you." But he was drunk and wouldn't have driven. So I went back in to search, but he still wasn't there. When I came back out, there was a drug bust. The fish sellers in this market/train station were drug smugglers. But still no sign of my husband. I was left standing there with the most devastating sense of heartbreak. (I have a fear that people are going to leave me, especially those that I love, so I tend to not show love and try not to get attached.)

My question is, what is my subconscious doing?!

*Cha Seung Won, for reference.

Time

I've never paid much attention to the passing of time, but with the passing of my older cousin, I'm starting to feel a certain weight pressing down on me. My cousin was 53, just two years older than my parents are right now, and died of a heart attack. Granted, my aunt passed two years ago to cancer; however, I think it was the sudden nature of his death that shocked me to this point of awareness. Her death came after a long period of preparing for the worst, but his death, there was absolutely no warning. Our time on Earth is not guaranteed, nor is it unlimited. I'm getting older, I'm not that much wiser, and time is running away from me like Usain Bolt. I need shot.

And here's Aisha with the news...

I got a job. The end. 

(I'll write more about it later. Know that it is an amazing opportunity though!)

Random thoughts for the night: Attraction?

What attracts one person to another? According to what I see in American media, the following is what I have gathered: if you're a man, you're automatically attracted to women. These women are white, at least 5'6", tiny waists, sweet personalities, ample chests (or enough to push up in a wonder bra), and major points if she's blonde. She may also be extremely unattractive to you at first, but by the actual start of your relationship, she'll fit the above standards.

If you're a woman, you're obviously attracted to men. It usually doesn't matter what this man looks like, but you have the option of falling in love with a guy that you don't find physically attractive (but he makes up for everything with wit), a ruggedly handsome man that either belittles you or is perfect in every way, or an older man who will help you figure out all of your apparent daddy issues. His weight, height, and other physical aspects play no real role in your attraction. Oh! All of these options are white also...unless you get Morgan Freeman or Denzel Washington. Kind of lacking a bit of diversity, ain't it?

Body types, intellect, race, gender, sexual preference, etc., all of these play a serious part in the level of attraction one person feels for another. Many of us don't see it that way. We expect couples to either fall into the formulaic relationships we see on television or be perfectly matched, but people in relationships that don't fit these standards understand that the differences make things a little bit more interesting.

For instance, my sigoth and I have quite large differences in height and weight (with all values higher on my end). He's also Asian and I'm pretty sure I'm Black *checks mirror*. Yep! I am, contrary to that lady that asked me if I was white on the phone. He's really smart, and I'm just average. He's not my usual type and I'm pretty sure I'm not his either. Yet, something pulled us towards each other. We get some interesting looks, but, quite honestly, it just makes me like him even more. The fact that both of us can enjoy each other's company and not let the stares and opinions of others affect us shows that it's a pretty strong attraction.

What was this attraction? For me, it was his personality straight off...plus he's really fucking cute. For him, he said it was my height, though I think my boobs are what's keeping him here. Plus, I'm so adorable, I should have plushies made in my likeness! (You can laugh. It's a couple of really bad jokes.) Ultimately, I can't speak for him, but I know for me my attraction lies in our ability to share a laugh and just enjoy being around each other and in his genuine kindness. It's difficult to find that sometimes. 

(But, Yvonne, what about other people's attractions?)

Well, I can't speak for them either. However, I do know that everybody is attracted to something different in every person. Where someone might find another innate active for physical reasons, someone else might think that that person's mole near their lip is the most beautiful blemish they have ever laid eyes upon. It just depends on each person and their personal preferences. Attraction is different for every human being.

What I'm really wanting to get at is that everyone finds something attractive in another person. You can't force attraction, so don't try to change who you are so that others will desire you more. When the right person comes along, and trust me, they will, you'll feel it, they'll feel it, and you'll both be happy despite what everyone else says. And remember, just because someone desires you, does not mean they are entitled to you. Take your time in figuring out what you want. Don't just keep the first fish to flop around in your net of sexiness.

Why my life has moved so slowly up until now: A short explanation

I've been thinking about my life since graduation in May 2012. I was supposed to go to South Korea in March 2013 to teach English, but I kept stalling. I was supposed to find a job that would tide me over until I left, but I never found any type of employment. I look at all of my class mates, so confident and living lives filled with new friends and in new cities. Why am I so far behind everyone?

My parents look at me and say I'm obviously just lazy. That's not the case. I applied to so many jobs, domestically, and was rejected each time. That amount of rejection weighs on a person, and they feel as if they just want to give up. My grandmother sees how much it hurts me. She just wishes I would get my life together. Well so do I, nana, but honestly...I'm scared.

I'm absolutely terrified of adulthood, even though I claim I want to be treated as if I've already reached it. It's a scary process trying to find employment when you're not even sure you're qualified to do anything other than research (and I'm not even that great at that). However, I'm taking a step towards getting my life together and making sure that people treat me like I'm a functioning 24 year-old. 

This Christmas, I'm heading back to Georgia for a month and a half. I am going to get all of my travel docs and job applications done. My dad has even offered to pay for everything. That's such a blessing I don't even think I'm worthy of. I will then pray, cross fingers, and light candles that someone hires me and sees the potential and passion I have for teaching children. 

Trust, I'm still absolutely terrified that everyone will reject me, but I can't let fear hold me back anymore. I have to stop lying to myself and hoping that the good things in my life will just continue to fall in my lap. Now is my time to act the responsible adult I want to be! 

Wish me luck, loves!

Yvonne 

Sometimes a girl just needs them....

Tonight, I’m feeling a bit melancholic and alone. I’ve let myself have feelings about a guy. Not for him, about him. He doesn’t give me the right amount of attention, he won’t call me, he hasn’t seen me in a week (granted, I can’t drive to see him, so I cannot fault him), and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. However, even though I know he’s a horrible candidate for fuck buddy, I still want him…and that’s only because I don’t know anybody else in the area. I can’t stand that I’m allowing myself to act this way.

You know what?! I’m gonna go have a screwdriver and read a book!

Current condition: Slowly seeping into madness.

On Friday, 13 September, I did an adult act. I haven't talked to the guy (who I'd been seeing for a month) since two days after the deed...so really, it's only been two days since we've spoken, but I really feel out of sorts. It's not that I'm overly fond of him, and it's not that I feel the need to talk to him, it's just that I want to make sure that I wasn't just some conquest to him. However, I don't know whether I should text/call him, or just wait. I don't want him to think that I'm clinging on to him because he took my virginity, but I don't want him to think I'm not interested in him anymore since the happening.* So, I'm just lying here wondering what I should do, but not able to talk to my mother about it (because she thinks it was a stupid decision to sleep with him in the first place) and I can't talk to my friends (because they feel the same way). It's a tad bit stressful for no gosh dern reason.

*notice how I can never really say that I had sex.

I don't even know

It's been a while. I hope you've missed me, blog. Truthfully, I've missed you, though tumblr has been keeping me busy. I just wanted to get a few things off of my chest, and clear my head (enjoy the cliché phrases). 

To begin, I'm going through some mental/emotional problems right now. I think it stems from my brother leaving for boot camp. I can't really be sure, but I haven't felt any mental distress until this moment. I've told myself over and over again that there's no need to be sad about him leaving. It's just training camp and he'll still be in the U.S. for the time-being. I'm sure it's only a spot of loneliness, but I still can't shake it. It's probably just the realisation that after he and the little one (Pauline) leave, I'll be completely alone here. I'm glad that I at least have some of my friends from school and my internet friends. I know without them, I would most likely end up on a higher dosage of my medications.

I've also been constantly applying for jobs. The rejection is killing me. I know that the economy is in a bad way, but I need money and I need to not be living at home without a job. Believe me, if I had a job, I would have absolutely no problem with living at home.  I just want to be out working, finding love, living life in general. Here, I'm completely stagnant. 

I'll write more later, but for now, I must try to go to sleep. I've taken so much pain medicine to end these cramps, but nothing has helped, and sleep keeps eluding me. I'll try once again. It's 60:10, Wednesday 19 June 2013. I'm 23.79 years old, lonely, slightly depressed, in pain...but I'm alive, my family loves me, I have friends that care about me as much as I do them, my brother is about to start his adult life, and I'm making meatloaf and roasted potatoes and corn for dinner. Lol! Life can always be better, but right now, I think I'm fairly content. 

Peace, Love, and 4 Part Harmony!

Yvonne

Morning writing

He asks, "What are you afraid of?" I look up at him, head still in my hands, and answer honestly, for the first time in over 20 years, "Myself. I'm afraid of losing the only thing that protects me. I'm afraid of losing me." He just slides beside me, trying his best to comfort what's left after today's latest trial. I allow him access to this shell of my being. So as not to truly feel what he calls affection, I retreat further and further inside myself, pulling all the layers of protection the 23 years of my life have gifted me so snugly about my heart, I feel myself suffocate under the pressure. I want to love him. I want to receive his adoration, trust, friendship, and everything he offers me. I want to be that normal girl for him...but I'm scared of losing myself. Though I'm absolutely disgusted with myself, with my every thought and action. But for him I'll be a doll. All shiny and beautiful. Completely hollow. I won't slip up like this again.

South Korean dreams and 25

"Leave the country under the premise of “finding yourself.” This will be unsuccessful. Places do not change people. Instead, do a lot of solo drinking, read a lot of books, have sex in dirty hostels, and come home when you start to miss it."

The reason I am trying not to goto England, France, Germany, The Gambia, Sweden, Norway or any part of the U.S. is because there is always someone from my family (or family friends) in first and second world countries. I don't want to go to an "underdeveloped" country. I don't feel like volunteering right now. I've given a lot of myself up until now (time, money, more time), and I just want to do something solely for myself. I'm being selfish, really. I want to go somewhere and experience life on my own, as much as I can, without the influence of my family constantly being forced upon me. I want to drink and party and live with wild abandon! I'm going to leave this place come June, I don't care what my parents have to say, and I don't care what I have to do to get the money. SK or bust, bitches!

Read this list later 24 and under readers: http://nonexistentexit.tumblr.com/post/47614795913/25-things-to-do-before-you-turn-25-1-make-peace

My thoughts on The Fault in Our Stars...so far. (Chapter 8 and the previous)

I’m still reading The Fault in Our Stars because reading while having responsibilities and a drama addiction is kind of tricky. (Yes. I know that too much television will rot my brain, but I can understand so much more Korean because of it. It’s educational, no?) I’m only within the eighth chapter, but I already feel as if this book is going to ruin my life for two-three weeks after my reading of it comes to its conclusion. I don’t know what will happen to Hazel or Augustus—I have tried very hard to stay away from spoilers on tumblr and other various websites. I do know that I am in the midst of crying as I write this, and if that is any indication of my future emotional state, then I ask that someone please send me a box of Kleenex because I’m down to my last five? I love Mr. Green’s characters so much already, and if I have to loose them, then I’m going to have to find a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. What all of this rambling means: I’m in love with

The Stupidville Rape Case

I’m so done with rape apologists. No one calls rape upon themselves. No one deserves to be raped. No survivor should be threatened with jail time or public shame. No survivor should even have to suffer the stigma of being labelled a “victim.” Lastly, no one should feel sorry for rapists, especially not because “they had their whole lives ahead of them.” What about the young woman they raped. Did she not have a life ahead of her? Now she has to deal with press and average people calling her a slut, blaming her for her rape, and deeming her a perpetrator of her own abuse. You know what?… FUCK. YOUR. APOLOGIST. BULLSHIT.

A moment of self reflection

I still have nightmares that one day, I will wake up and one side of my face will have dropped again. As much as I try not to hold so much value on my outer appearance, my subconscious is still terrified of dealing with everything (the pain, the stares, the stigma) that comes with hemifacial paralysis. I know that other people are suffering from worse, but at this moment, I’m vulnerable and slightly scared that I have become so reliant on my “normal” appearance. This is beyond my weight or my height, of which I try (keyword: TRY) to deal with the grace of someone who just doesn’t give a fuck what society thinks, but still, I’m frightened. I’m scared because I know how much society gleans about a person just from their face, and I know that if it were to happen again, it wouldn’t come with the taunting and mocking that occurred in my childhood…but my irrational fear stems on the hurt that so many caused, though as children, they had no idea of the lasting effects.

Something should go here, right?

I've been in a bit of a slump recently, and it seems to be one that I just cannot pull my self up from. I started to write a piece on the recent influx of negative commentary from the academic world on Django last week.... It's still sitting on my desktop about 3/5 of the way finished. It's like I lose steam any time I try to write something productively. Even writing this post seems to take a level of mental focus and fortitude that I cannot muster up. It leaves me questioning my self: Am I lazy? Is this the problem? Why can't I just do what I set out to?

Muse - Plug In Baby

This song was one of my FAVOURITES from this group, right after Sing For Absolution, Time Is Running Out, and Hyper Music. Even though Stephenie Meyer ruined them (Twilight fans that like MUSE because she make me want to expel my stomach's contents, violently in a projectile fashion), they still hold some of my most beloved pre-teen/teenage memories.

Bon Iver crushed my soul, and then pieced it back together

I don't know why I stopped myself from listening to Bon Iver (actually, I do know what stopped me, but I'm ashamed to admit the reason), but I'm glad that "Deception" (which you should definitely check out because it stars Meagan Good, and even though I hate on her so much, it's only because she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the good pleasure of seeing) played this song in the background. It's so haunting. The vocals annoy me at times, but they are only a tiny piece of what calls to me from this song. The lyrics and the melody stir up so much pain, but then cradle me through tears. The song is just perfect (the concept of perfection is abstract and varies depending on the opinion of each person). Here's a link to the song in question, The Wolves (Act I & II). I hope, if this is your first time listening to it, that it touches you in a similar fashion. And if this is a repeat for you, I hope you saw the beauty, and find yourself wanting to experience it again.

Morning thoughts

So...I have completely given up for the moment on the self reflection. I've had too much drama going on in my life (mostly caused by my male parental unit), and just haven't felt up to writing anything. This morning though, I really had to get this little bit off of my chest. It's just my thoughts at this time, nothing really serious just a bit of morning rambling. If you're still checking on my blog regularly, thanks, you lovely wonderful nugget of joy. If you're just randomly/sporadically checking, thanks, you lovely wonderful nugget of joy. ;) Bright and happy Wednesday morning to you all!

Cheers,
Yvonne

When faced with my mortality and ageing, I'm not afraid of looking old or dying, I'm just afraid of the pain that comes along with age.

Day 1 of reflection

Day 1 (Wednesday, 2 January 2013): Write about what you like/dislike from yourself, and how you plan to change it

     This past year, I've worked on loving myself more and accepting my personality and outer being. I've grown to see myself in a new and happier light. Even still, there are things that I wish I could change about myself. Actually, there are really only 3 things that I don't like about myself. They have nothing to do with my appearance because I find changing it to be a shallow attempt at making myself presentable to a society that deems outer beauty more worthy of praise than inner completeness. No, my dislikes are things that keep me from truly reaching my full potential of happiness: my procrastination, my tendency to jump to conclusions, and my constant worrying.

     I know that changing things like this don't have easy fixes. For example, if it were easy to stop procrastinating, students all over the world would be a lot happier around finals periods. So what can I do to stop these habits? Well, I know for procrastination I can stick to the schedules I make for myself. It's amazing though that I don't procrastinate in work environments, but in school or at home, I never want to do things on time. Hmmm...to stop jumping to conclusions, I can stop expecting people to react to the world in the same manner that I would. I know we each have our own views on life and what is expected of us, however, this does not stop me from wanting people to give what I give and think what I think. I'm actively working on not expecting things from people. That way, I won't jump to conclusions about, or make assumptions based on, their actions. And finally, to quit constantly worrying, I'm just going to live with an attitude of "I don't have to live for anyone but me." I'll still worry about my friends, but I won't let it consume my thoughts. We're all adults and I'm not their parent. If they need me, they know where to find me. My number hasn't changed in 4 years and my email address is the same as it was 5 years ago. I can't spend my time caring if they can't. That's just how it is. Through all of this, I believe I can live a happier, care free, and fuller existence. This is definitely what I need to do before trying to go forth with the next chapter of my life.

Cheers,
Yvonne

P.S. - This was supposed to be published two days ago. Procrastination strikes again!!!

Side note: I'm also going to work on writing in a linear manner; I tend to blog in a stream of consciousness. To do so, I will make myself write more essays and such...as long as I can stop procrastinating. ;)