Sometimes a girl just needs them....

Tonight, I’m feeling a bit melancholic and alone. I’ve let myself have feelings about a guy. Not for him, about him. He doesn’t give me the right amount of attention, he won’t call me, he hasn’t seen me in a week (granted, I can’t drive to see him, so I cannot fault him), and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. However, even though I know he’s a horrible candidate for fuck buddy, I still want him…and that’s only because I don’t know anybody else in the area. I can’t stand that I’m allowing myself to act this way.

You know what?! I’m gonna go have a screwdriver and read a book!

Current condition: Slowly seeping into madness.

On Friday, 13 September, I did an adult act. I haven't talked to the guy (who I'd been seeing for a month) since two days after the deed...so really, it's only been two days since we've spoken, but I really feel out of sorts. It's not that I'm overly fond of him, and it's not that I feel the need to talk to him, it's just that I want to make sure that I wasn't just some conquest to him. However, I don't know whether I should text/call him, or just wait. I don't want him to think that I'm clinging on to him because he took my virginity, but I don't want him to think I'm not interested in him anymore since the happening.* So, I'm just lying here wondering what I should do, but not able to talk to my mother about it (because she thinks it was a stupid decision to sleep with him in the first place) and I can't talk to my friends (because they feel the same way). It's a tad bit stressful for no gosh dern reason.

*notice how I can never really say that I had sex.

I don't even know

It's been a while. I hope you've missed me, blog. Truthfully, I've missed you, though tumblr has been keeping me busy. I just wanted to get a few things off of my chest, and clear my head (enjoy the cliché phrases). 

To begin, I'm going through some mental/emotional problems right now. I think it stems from my brother leaving for boot camp. I can't really be sure, but I haven't felt any mental distress until this moment. I've told myself over and over again that there's no need to be sad about him leaving. It's just training camp and he'll still be in the U.S. for the time-being. I'm sure it's only a spot of loneliness, but I still can't shake it. It's probably just the realisation that after he and the little one (Pauline) leave, I'll be completely alone here. I'm glad that I at least have some of my friends from school and my internet friends. I know without them, I would most likely end up on a higher dosage of my medications.

I've also been constantly applying for jobs. The rejection is killing me. I know that the economy is in a bad way, but I need money and I need to not be living at home without a job. Believe me, if I had a job, I would have absolutely no problem with living at home.  I just want to be out working, finding love, living life in general. Here, I'm completely stagnant. 

I'll write more later, but for now, I must try to go to sleep. I've taken so much pain medicine to end these cramps, but nothing has helped, and sleep keeps eluding me. I'll try once again. It's 60:10, Wednesday 19 June 2013. I'm 23.79 years old, lonely, slightly depressed, in pain...but I'm alive, my family loves me, I have friends that care about me as much as I do them, my brother is about to start his adult life, and I'm making meatloaf and roasted potatoes and corn for dinner. Lol! Life can always be better, but right now, I think I'm fairly content. 

Peace, Love, and 4 Part Harmony!

Yvonne

Morning writing

He asks, "What are you afraid of?" I look up at him, head still in my hands, and answer honestly, for the first time in over 20 years, "Myself. I'm afraid of losing the only thing that protects me. I'm afraid of losing me." He just slides beside me, trying his best to comfort what's left after today's latest trial. I allow him access to this shell of my being. So as not to truly feel what he calls affection, I retreat further and further inside myself, pulling all the layers of protection the 23 years of my life have gifted me so snugly about my heart, I feel myself suffocate under the pressure. I want to love him. I want to receive his adoration, trust, friendship, and everything he offers me. I want to be that normal girl for him...but I'm scared of losing myself. Though I'm absolutely disgusted with myself, with my every thought and action. But for him I'll be a doll. All shiny and beautiful. Completely hollow. I won't slip up like this again.

South Korean dreams and 25

"Leave the country under the premise of “finding yourself.” This will be unsuccessful. Places do not change people. Instead, do a lot of solo drinking, read a lot of books, have sex in dirty hostels, and come home when you start to miss it."

The reason I am trying not to goto England, France, Germany, The Gambia, Sweden, Norway or any part of the U.S. is because there is always someone from my family (or family friends) in first and second world countries. I don't want to go to an "underdeveloped" country. I don't feel like volunteering right now. I've given a lot of myself up until now (time, money, more time), and I just want to do something solely for myself. I'm being selfish, really. I want to go somewhere and experience life on my own, as much as I can, without the influence of my family constantly being forced upon me. I want to drink and party and live with wild abandon! I'm going to leave this place come June, I don't care what my parents have to say, and I don't care what I have to do to get the money. SK or bust, bitches!

Read this list later 24 and under readers: http://nonexistentexit.tumblr.com/post/47614795913/25-things-to-do-before-you-turn-25-1-make-peace

My thoughts on The Fault in Our Stars...so far. (Chapter 8 and the previous)

I’m still reading The Fault in Our Stars because reading while having responsibilities and a drama addiction is kind of tricky. (Yes. I know that too much television will rot my brain, but I can understand so much more Korean because of it. It’s educational, no?) I’m only within the eighth chapter, but I already feel as if this book is going to ruin my life for two-three weeks after my reading of it comes to its conclusion. I don’t know what will happen to Hazel or Augustus—I have tried very hard to stay away from spoilers on tumblr and other various websites. I do know that I am in the midst of crying as I write this, and if that is any indication of my future emotional state, then I ask that someone please send me a box of Kleenex because I’m down to my last five? I love Mr. Green’s characters so much already, and if I have to loose them, then I’m going to have to find a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. What all of this rambling means: I’m in love with

The Stupidville Rape Case

I’m so done with rape apologists. No one calls rape upon themselves. No one deserves to be raped. No survivor should be threatened with jail time or public shame. No survivor should even have to suffer the stigma of being labelled a “victim.” Lastly, no one should feel sorry for rapists, especially not because “they had their whole lives ahead of them.” What about the young woman they raped. Did she not have a life ahead of her? Now she has to deal with press and average people calling her a slut, blaming her for her rape, and deeming her a perpetrator of her own abuse. You know what?… FUCK. YOUR. APOLOGIST. BULLSHIT.