11 April 2013
Morning writing
He asks, "What are you afraid of?" I look up at him, head still in my hands, and answer honestly, for the first time in over 20 years, "Myself. I'm afraid of losing the only thing that protects me. I'm afraid of losing me." He just slides beside me, trying his best to comfort what's left after today's latest trial. I allow him access to this shell of my being. So as not to truly feel what he calls affection, I retreat further and further inside myself, pulling all the layers of protection the 23 years of my life have gifted me so snugly about my heart, I feel myself suffocate under the pressure. I want to love him. I want to receive his adoration, trust, friendship, and everything he offers me. I want to be that normal girl for him...but I'm scared of losing myself. Though I'm absolutely disgusted with myself, with my every thought and action. But for him I'll be a doll. All shiny and beautiful. Completely hollow. I won't slip up like this again.
10 April 2013
South Korean dreams and 25
"Leave the country under the premise of “finding yourself.” This will be unsuccessful. Places do not change people. Instead, do a lot of solo drinking, read a lot of books, have sex in dirty hostels, and come home when you start to miss it."
The reason I am trying not to goto England, France, Germany, The Gambia, Sweden, Norway or any part of the U.S. is because there is always someone from my family (or family friends) in first and second world countries. I don't want to go to an "underdeveloped" country. I don't feel like volunteering right now. I've given a lot of myself up until now (time, money, more time), and I just want to do something solely for myself. I'm being selfish, really. I want to go somewhere and experience life on my own, as much as I can, without the influence of my family constantly being forced upon me. I want to drink and party and live with wild abandon! I'm going to leave this place come June, I don't care what my parents have to say, and I don't care what I have to do to get the money. SK or bust, bitches!
Read this list later 24 and under readers: http://nonexistentexit.tumblr.com/post/47614795913/25-things-to-do-before-you-turn-25-1-make-peace
The reason I am trying not to goto England, France, Germany, The Gambia, Sweden, Norway or any part of the U.S. is because there is always someone from my family (or family friends) in first and second world countries. I don't want to go to an "underdeveloped" country. I don't feel like volunteering right now. I've given a lot of myself up until now (time, money, more time), and I just want to do something solely for myself. I'm being selfish, really. I want to go somewhere and experience life on my own, as much as I can, without the influence of my family constantly being forced upon me. I want to drink and party and live with wild abandon! I'm going to leave this place come June, I don't care what my parents have to say, and I don't care what I have to do to get the money. SK or bust, bitches!
Read this list later 24 and under readers: http://nonexistentexit.tumblr.com/post/47614795913/25-things-to-do-before-you-turn-25-1-make-peace
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