11 December 2013

Random thoughts for the night: Attraction?

What attracts one person to another? According to what I see in American media, the following is what I have gathered: if you're a man, you're automatically attracted to women. These women are white, at least 5'6", tiny waists, sweet personalities, ample chests (or enough to push up in a wonder bra), and major points if she's blonde. She may also be extremely unattractive to you at first, but by the actual start of your relationship, she'll fit the above standards.

If you're a woman, you're obviously attracted to men. It usually doesn't matter what this man looks like, but you have the option of falling in love with a guy that you don't find physically attractive (but he makes up for everything with wit), a ruggedly handsome man that either belittles you or is perfect in every way, or an older man who will help you figure out all of your apparent daddy issues. His weight, height, and other physical aspects play no real role in your attraction. Oh! All of these options are white also...unless you get Morgan Freeman or Denzel Washington. Kind of lacking a bit of diversity, ain't it?

Body types, intellect, race, gender, sexual preference, etc., all of these play a serious part in the level of attraction one person feels for another. Many of us don't see it that way. We expect couples to either fall into the formulaic relationships we see on television or be perfectly matched, but people in relationships that don't fit these standards understand that the differences make things a little bit more interesting.

For instance, my sigoth and I have quite large differences in height and weight (with all values higher on my end). He's also Asian and I'm pretty sure I'm Black *checks mirror*. Yep! I am, contrary to that lady that asked me if I was white on the phone. He's really smart, and I'm just average. He's not my usual type and I'm pretty sure I'm not his either. Yet, something pulled us towards each other. We get some interesting looks, but, quite honestly, it just makes me like him even more. The fact that both of us can enjoy each other's company and not let the stares and opinions of others affect us shows that it's a pretty strong attraction.

What was this attraction? For me, it was his personality straight off...plus he's really fucking cute. For him, he said it was my height, though I think my boobs are what's keeping him here. Plus, I'm so adorable, I should have plushies made in my likeness! (You can laugh. It's a couple of really bad jokes.) Ultimately, I can't speak for him, but I know for me my attraction lies in our ability to share a laugh and just enjoy being around each other and in his genuine kindness. It's difficult to find that sometimes. 

(But, Yvonne, what about other people's attractions?)

Well, I can't speak for them either. However, I do know that everybody is attracted to something different in every person. Where someone might find another innate active for physical reasons, someone else might think that that person's mole near their lip is the most beautiful blemish they have ever laid eyes upon. It just depends on each person and their personal preferences. Attraction is different for every human being.

What I'm really wanting to get at is that everyone finds something attractive in another person. You can't force attraction, so don't try to change who you are so that others will desire you more. When the right person comes along, and trust me, they will, you'll feel it, they'll feel it, and you'll both be happy despite what everyone else says. And remember, just because someone desires you, does not mean they are entitled to you. Take your time in figuring out what you want. Don't just keep the first fish to flop around in your net of sexiness.










09 December 2013

Why my life has moved so slowly up until now: A short explanation

I've been thinking about my life since graduation in May 2012. I was supposed to go to South Korea in March 2013 to teach English, but I kept stalling. I was supposed to find a job that would tide me over until I left, but I never found any type of employment. I look at all of my class mates, so confident and living lives filled with new friends and in new cities. Why am I so far behind everyone?

My parents look at me and say I'm obviously just lazy. That's not the case. I applied to so many jobs, domestically, and was rejected each time. That amount of rejection weighs on a person, and they feel as if they just want to give up. My grandmother sees how much it hurts me. She just wishes I would get my life together. Well so do I, nana, but honestly...I'm scared.

I'm absolutely terrified of adulthood, even though I claim I want to be treated as if I've already reached it. It's a scary process trying to find employment when you're not even sure you're qualified to do anything other than research (and I'm not even that great at that). However, I'm taking a step towards getting my life together and making sure that people treat me like I'm a functioning 24 year-old. 

This Christmas, I'm heading back to Georgia for a month and a half. I am going to get all of my travel docs and job applications done. My dad has even offered to pay for everything. That's such a blessing I don't even think I'm worthy of. I will then pray, cross fingers, and light candles that someone hires me and sees the potential and passion I have for teaching children. 

Trust, I'm still absolutely terrified that everyone will reject me, but I can't let fear hold me back anymore. I have to stop lying to myself and hoping that the good things in my life will just continue to fall in my lap. Now is my time to act the responsible adult I want to be! 

Wish me luck, loves!
Yvonne 

22 September 2013

Sometimes a girl just needs them....

Tonight, I’m feeling a bit melancholic and alone. I’ve let myself have feelings about a guy. Not for him, about him. He doesn’t give me the right amount of attention, he won’t call me, he hasn’t seen me in a week (granted, I can’t drive to see him, so I cannot fault him), and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. However, even though I know he’s a horrible candidate for fuck buddy, I still want him…and that’s only because I don’t know anybody else in the area. I can’t stand that I’m allowing myself to act this way.
You know what?! I’m gonna go have a screwdriver and read a book!

17 September 2013

Current condition: Slowly seeping into madness.

On Friday, 13 September, I did an adult act. I haven't talked to the guy (who I'd been seeing for a month) since two days after the deed...so really, it's only been two days since we've spoken, but I really feel out of sorts. It's not that I'm overly fond of him, and it's not that I feel the need to talk to him, it's just that I want to make sure that I wasn't just some conquest to him. However, I don't know whether I should text/call him, or just wait. I don't want him to think that I'm clinging on to him because he took my virginity, but I don't want him to think I'm not interested in him anymore since the happening.* So, I'm just lying here wondering what I should do, but not able to talk to my mother about it (because she thinks it was a stupid decision to sleep with him in the first place) and I can't talk to my friends (because they feel the same way). It's a tad bit stressful for no gosh dern reason.



*notice how I can never really say that I had sex.

19 June 2013

I don't even know

It's been a while. I hope you've missed me, blog. Truthfully, I've missed you, though tumblr has been keeping me busy. I just wanted to get a few things off of my chest, and clear my head (enjoy the cliché phrases). 

To begin, I'm going through some mental/emotional problems right now. I think it stems from my brother leaving for boot camp. I can't really be sure, but I haven't felt any mental distress until this moment. I've told myself over and over again that there's no need to be sad about him leaving. It's just training camp and he'll still be in the U.S. for the time-being. I'm sure it's only a spot of loneliness, but I still can't shake it. It's probably just the realisation that after he and the little one (Pauline) leave, I'll be completely alone here. I'm glad that I at least have some of my friends from school and my internet friends. I know without them, I would most likely end up on a higher dosage of my medications.

I've also been constantly applying for jobs. The rejection is killing me. I know that the economy is in a bad way, but I need money and I need to not be living at home without a job. Believe me, if I had a job, I would have absolutely no problem with living at home.  I just want to be out working, finding love, living life in general. Here, I'm completely stagnant. 

I'll write more later, but for now, I must try to go to sleep. I've taken so much pain medicine to end these cramps, but nothing has helped, and sleep keeps eluding me. I'll try once again. It's 60:10, Wednesday 19 June 2013. I'm 23.79 years old, lonely, slightly depressed, in pain...but I'm alive, my family loves me, I have friends that care about me as much as I do them, my brother is about to start his adult life, and I'm making meatloaf and roasted potatoes and corn for dinner. Lol! Life can always be better, but right now, I think I'm fairly content. 


Peace, Love, and 4 Part Harmony!
Yvonne

11 April 2013

Morning writing

He asks, "What are you afraid of?" I look up at him, head still in my hands, and answer honestly, for the first time in over 20 years, "Myself. I'm afraid of losing the only thing that protects me. I'm afraid of losing me." He just slides beside me, trying his best to comfort what's left after today's latest trial. I allow him access to this shell of my being. So as not to truly feel what he calls affection, I retreat further and further inside myself, pulling all the layers of protection the 23 years of my life have gifted me so snugly about my heart, I feel myself suffocate under the pressure. I want to love him. I want to receive his adoration, trust, friendship, and everything he offers me. I want to be that normal girl for him...but I'm scared of losing myself. Though I'm absolutely disgusted with myself, with my every thought and action. But for him I'll be a doll. All shiny and beautiful. Completely hollow. I won't slip up like this again.

10 April 2013

South Korean dreams and 25

"Leave the country under the premise of “finding yourself.” This will be unsuccessful. Places do not change people. Instead, do a lot of solo drinking, read a lot of books, have sex in dirty hostels, and come home when you start to miss it."

The reason I am trying not to goto England, France, Germany, The Gambia, Sweden, Norway or any part of the U.S. is because there is always someone from my family (or family friends) in first and second world countries. I don't want to go to an "underdeveloped" country. I don't feel like volunteering right now. I've given a lot of myself up until now (time, money, more time), and I just want to do something solely for myself. I'm being selfish, really. I want to go somewhere and experience life on my own, as much as I can, without the influence of my family constantly being forced upon me. I want to drink and party and live with wild abandon! I'm going to leave this place come June, I don't care what my parents have to say, and I don't care what I have to do to get the money. SK or bust, bitches!

Read this list later 24 and under readers: http://nonexistentexit.tumblr.com/post/47614795913/25-things-to-do-before-you-turn-25-1-make-peace

22 March 2013

My thoughts on The Fault in Our Stars...so far. (Chapter 8 and the previous)

I’m still reading The Fault in Our Stars because reading while having responsibilities and a drama addiction is kind of tricky. (Yes. I know that too much television will rot my brain, but I can understand so much more Korean because of it. It’s educational, no?) I’m only within the eighth chapter, but I already feel as if this book is going to ruin my life for two-three weeks after my reading of it comes to its conclusion. I don’t know what will happen to Hazel or Augustus—I have tried very hard to stay away from spoilers on tumblr and other various websites. I do know that I am in the midst of crying as I write this, and if that is any indication of my future emotional state, then I ask that someone please send me a box of Kleenex because I’m down to my last five? I love Mr. Green’s characters so much already, and if I have to loose them, then I’m going to have to find a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. What all of this rambling means: I’m in love with

21 March 2013

The Stupidville Rape Case

I’m so done with rape apologists. No one calls rape upon themselves. No one deserves to be raped. No survivor should be threatened with jail time or public shame. No survivor should even have to suffer the stigma of being labelled a “victim.” Lastly, no one should feel sorry for rapists, especially not because “they had their whole lives ahead of them.” What about the young woman they raped. Did she not have a life ahead of her? Now she has to deal with press and average people calling her a slut, blaming her for her rape, and deeming her a perpetrator of her own abuse. You know what?… FUCK. YOUR. APOLOGIST. BULLSHIT.

20 March 2013

A moment of self reflection

I still have nightmares that one day, I will wake up and one side of my face will have dropped again. As much as I try not to hold so much value on my outer appearance, my subconscious is still terrified of dealing with everything (the pain, the stares, the stigma) that comes with hemifacial paralysis. I know that other people are suffering from worse, but at this moment, I’m vulnerable and slightly scared that I have become so reliant on my “normal” appearance. This is beyond my weight or my height, of which I try (keyword: TRY) to deal with the grace of someone who just doesn’t give a fuck what society thinks, but still, I’m frightened. I’m scared because I know how much society gleans about a person just from their face, and I know that if it were to happen again, it wouldn’t come with the taunting and mocking that occurred in my childhood…but my irrational fear stems on the hurt that so many caused, though as children, they had no idea of the lasting effects.

18 February 2013

Something should go here, right?

I've been in a bit of a slump recently, and it seems to be one that I just cannot pull my self up from. I started to write a piece on the recent influx of negative commentary from the academic world on Django last week.... It's still sitting on my desktop about 3/5 of the way finished. It's like I lose steam any time I try to write something productively. Even writing this post seems to take a level of mental focus and fortitude that I cannot muster up. It leaves me questioning my self: Am I lazy? Is this the problem? Why can't I just do what I set out to?

18 January 2013

Muse - Plug In Baby



This song was one of my FAVOURITES from this group, right after Sing For Absolution, Time Is Running Out, and Hyper Music. Even though Stephenie Meyer ruined them (Twilight fans that like MUSE because she make me want to expel my stomach's contents, violently in a projectile fashion), they still hold some of my most beloved pre-teen/teenage memories.

17 January 2013

Bon Iver crushed my soul, and then pieced it back together

I don't know why I stopped myself from listening to Bon Iver (actually, I do know what stopped me, but I'm ashamed to admit the reason), but I'm glad that "Deception" (which you should definitely check out because it stars Meagan Good, and even though I hate on her so much, it's only because she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the good pleasure of seeing) played this song in the background. It's so haunting. The vocals annoy me at times, but they are only a tiny piece of what calls to me from this song. The lyrics and the melody stir up so much pain, but then cradle me through tears. The song is just perfect (the concept of perfection is abstract and varies depending on the opinion of each person). Here's a link to the song in question, The Wolves (Act I & II). I hope, if this is your first time listening to it, that it touches you in a similar fashion. And if this is a repeat for you, I hope you saw the beauty, and find yourself wanting to experience it again.

16 January 2013

Morning thoughts

So...I have completely given up for the moment on the self reflection. I've had too much drama going on in my life (mostly caused by my male parental unit), and just haven't felt up to writing anything. This morning though, I really had to get this little bit off of my chest. It's just my thoughts at this time, nothing really serious just a bit of morning rambling. If you're still checking on my blog regularly, thanks, you lovely wonderful nugget of joy. If you're just randomly/sporadically checking, thanks, you lovely wonderful nugget of joy. ;) Bright and happy Wednesday morning to you all!

Cheers,
Yvonne

When faced with my mortality and ageing, I'm not afraid of looking old or dying, I'm just afraid of the pain that comes along with age.

02 January 2013

Day 1 of reflection

Day 1 (Wednesday, 2 January 2013): Write about what you like/dislike from yourself, and how you plan to change it

     This past year, I've worked on loving myself more and accepting my personality and outer being. I've grown to see myself in a new and happier light. Even still, there are things that I wish I could change about myself. Actually, there are really only 3 things that I don't like about myself. They have nothing to do with my appearance because I find changing it to be a shallow attempt at making myself presentable to a society that deems outer beauty more worthy of praise than inner completeness. No, my dislikes are things that keep me from truly reaching my full potential of happiness: my procrastination, my tendency to jump to conclusions, and my constant worrying.

     I know that changing things like this don't have easy fixes. For example, if it were easy to stop procrastinating, students all over the world would be a lot happier around finals periods. So what can I do to stop these habits? Well, I know for procrastination I can stick to the schedules I make for myself. It's amazing though that I don't procrastinate in work environments, but in school or at home, I never want to do things on time. Hmmm...to stop jumping to conclusions, I can stop expecting people to react to the world in the same manner that I would. I know we each have our own views on life and what is expected of us, however, this does not stop me from wanting people to give what I give and think what I think. I'm actively working on not expecting things from people. That way, I won't jump to conclusions about, or make assumptions based on, their actions. And finally, to quit constantly worrying, I'm just going to live with an attitude of "I don't have to live for anyone but me." I'll still worry about my friends, but I won't let it consume my thoughts. We're all adults and I'm not their parent. If they need me, they know where to find me. My number hasn't changed in 4 years and my email address is the same as it was 5 years ago. I can't spend my time caring if they can't. That's just how it is. Through all of this, I believe I can live a happier, care free, and fuller existence. This is definitely what I need to do before trying to go forth with the next chapter of my life.

Cheers,
Yvonne

P.S. - This was supposed to be published two days ago. Procrastination strikes again!!!

Side note: I'm also going to work on writing in a linear manner; I tend to blog in a stream of consciousness. To do so, I will make myself write more essays and such...as long as I can stop procrastinating. ;)