7 Days Personal Reflection Challenge!

In the coming days, I will be focusing on a bit of personal reflection. I'm liable to become an emotional wreck, but I know that in the end, I'll be able to look back on all of it and see how far I've come and how far I'm willing to go (and other such cliches about moving forth in life). Side note: All names in each of these reflections, outside of the names of my immediate family and/or professors, will be changed for privacy considerations. 

Weird positions; bad situations

You ever think about how many sticky incidents you've had that could have been avoided by just a bit of forethought?
Yeah this post was only a question. I'm posting from my phone and want to talk to people about their life. :)

Christmas and shit!!!

Winter is coming.... Well technically, it's already here, but what matters is the chance of snow and time spent with family and friends, time that I will probably spend drunk. This is a short post to just wish everyone a happy whatever holiday you celebrate! Merry Chrismachannukwanzastice to you all!

XOXO,
Yvonne Santos

Music as cure

Recently, I started writing again, and it's been very therapeutic for me. Music in general is what I use to either combat my everyday demons or enhance a wonderful feeing. When I'm feeling less than my regular self, I write or listen. When I feel joy, I write or listen. When I'm feeling in the mood...for cake, I write or listen. So my habits aren't new, but my work itself is.
Looking at past works, I was always so angst-y and depressed. However my recent work is of an even tempo and is, for a change, "normal." Maybe I should have people use and reject me more often. It gives me a dose of reality that I need to make me feel a little more human.

From where did the name "Yvonne Santos" come?

This is a very short post.... Enjoy that, because it doesn't happen often. Haha!

So, I was recently asked why my nom de plume was Yvonne Santos. For those that know me, it's very easy to guess where the first part of this name hails (since it's my actual middle name). The last bit might be slightly confusing. My great-grandmother, Nina Santos, was Portuguese and immigrated from Cabo Verde to The Gambia, where she met my English great-grandfather. She kept her last name, but passed his on to all of her children. I thought that rocked. What woman at the turn of the century would forgo taking their husband's last name? I'll tell you who. Awesome women! And my gran was one of them. I just combined my middle name and my gran's last name to create my second name. Simple. Yay!

Regular life is boring...

But it's peaceful, and I like it that way. I'm cooking with my father and cleaning up a bit, while my little bro and his friend chill in the den and play on the PS3. No one is arguing and everyone is tranquil. It's the moments and days like these that make me thankful for my life. I'm happy, healthy, on track for great things, focused, loved, and blessed. This life might be boring, but it's the one I have, and I love it.

3:30 AM

So I’m lying here again, but this time pondering the art of lying. Not lying with you. No. Lying to you. Or rather us lying to each other. Truthfully, we only wanted someone to kill and fill the mutual moments of random longing our current states cause. We both knew that our minds were elsewhere, caught on loves we couldn’t have, but wanted more desperately than Russians crave central heating in the middle of January. We were wrapped up in a frozen haze of need. It chilled one of us into a solid state, their being no longer fluid, now forgetting such previous incarnations. One of us was shallow, and one of us was deep…in the Egyptian river. Sunk to the bottom, pulling lesson after lesson, like reeds do silt, and growing. We both grew, but one of us less so, because teachers don’t surpass students…they just keep repeating the same lessons over again. And my brain goes on tangents, and finally comes back to lying instead of the truth. I’m not bitter, I’m better. Lies. I’m bitter and better. Truth. But lies…. I didn’t waste a month and a half of my time. I didn’t feel pressured sometimes. I didn’t let my head talk me into foolishness. I didn’t break promises to myself. I am angry that I gave so much for someone not really worth it because there was absolutely nothing to gain in wisdom. I don’t have better people in my life. I need you to talk to me. Im surprised you acted this way. It’s 3:30 AM, truth, and I’m thinking about what I learned from this. And about her and him, but not you.

And then the phone rings...

Post from my Tumblr

It's a semi-continuation on my most recent post.

Tears (Rambling Randomness #4). Now, where's my pillow pet and my two friends Ben and Jerry? I'm feeling a movie marathon is in order.

Caution. I threw that to the wind...

...and it put my heart in a very precarious predicament.

We all do it at some point in our lives, expose our hearts to others without thinking about the repercussions. It doesn't happen often, because we learn from those mistakes, but when it does, occasionally the damage can be irreparable. Personally, I've never really put my heart on the line. Before now, nobody even showed any real interest in getting acquainted with it. Truthfully, even now I don't believe the one person I've shown bits of it to even wants that part of me (other parts, yes, just not my heart). He's sweet, kind, caring, intelligent and quite funny, but how does one broach the topic of "Does your interest in me go farther than my box?" in a delicate manner? It's not something one does in the middle of normal conversation.
"I really am happy about the Israel/Palestine cease fire. Yes. I do find this poet to be amazing. Oh! Have you noticed that I like you as much as your not-so-little friend?"

It's wicked awkward and there is no easy way to talk about relationship statuses. Deep down though, I know he doesn't like me as much as I like him. It's not hard to see the signs, but he throws mixed signals more than I do, so we're always stuck at an 4-way intersection, trying to figure out who really has the right-away, and it drives me to question my sanity at times...but for some reason I can't seem to shake him. This might sound crazy to some, but I believe the Universe and all of the divine powers put different people in your life for specific purposes. It could be that you need them, they need you or some symbiotic relationship needs to happen for you two to grow...or some other shite. What I'm trying to get out is that I feel as if he was placed in my life for a purpose. I just haven't figured out what that purpose is yet.

Now, I'm just sitting around trying not to think about him and trying not to wait for a text or a phone call. I've never been that girl with ANY person that I'm crushing on. I have a "call me or don't call me. IDGAF" attitude when it comes to these types of matters. So WTF am I doing to myself? Why am I letting myself get so caught up in something so fleeting as a relationship? Would you like the real truth or a small  truth? Well you can't have the real truth because it's too damn depressing and real to even say out loud. Even thinking it makes me want to shut myself off from the world for a few days, so you'll get a small truth. I really enjoy talking to him, even if it's at 5 AM.

Peace, Love and 4 Part Harmony
Yvonne Santos

Listening to: Justin Nozuka - Heartless (live) and Justin Nozuka - By Your Side (Sade cover)