Morning writing

He asks, "What are you afraid of?" I look up at him, head still in my hands, and answer honestly, for the first time in over 20 years, "Myself. I'm afraid of losing the only thing that protects me. I'm afraid of losing me." He just slides beside me, trying his best to comfort what's left after today's latest trial. I allow him access to this shell of my being. So as not to truly feel what he calls affection, I retreat further and further inside myself, pulling all the layers of protection the 23 years of my life have gifted me so snugly about my heart, I feel myself suffocate under the pressure. I want to love him. I want to receive his adoration, trust, friendship, and everything he offers me. I want to be that normal girl for him...but I'm scared of losing myself. Though I'm absolutely disgusted with myself, with my every thought and action. But for him I'll be a doll. All shiny and beautiful. Completely hollow. I won't slip up like this again.