So far...everything has been great. My job, and the children I work with, bring me a sense of happiness I didn't know I could experience. I love my apartment and my coworkers.
All of this is lovely. It just has to be ruined by something, yeah? It is. I've got a freaking crush.
I was expecting to come here and be happily single. I thought I was at a place in my life where attention, whether it be from men or women, was unnecessary. Now, I find myself flustered and anxious more so than is normal...but I like it.
I enjoy seeing this person. I smile every time I'm facing them. I crave their attention and nearness. I fantasise about stealing small touches because we don't want everyone to find out. I find myself hoping that they like me as much as I like them...but I know they probably don't.
(This is about to turn into a post about self confidence and self doubt, so be warned.)
I know, from lots of experience, that most people do not prefer women of my size and body type. At least outwardly they do not. There are still others that just fetishise women of my size/body type. It always gets a bit creepy when you can tell that someone is just into you for your body. I never know whether to take it as a compliment, or slap them in the face. Jk. I know exactly what to do. Always slap them in the face.
I try to stay positive about myself, but I can't help but wonder, how would my love life change if I were five sizes smaller? Would I be happier? Would every person that I find mentally and physically attractive find me so as well? How much heartache would I be saved from people outright telling me that I'm too fat to love? The answer is, it does not matter. My life is the way it is, and I have grown because of it. I will not wish to change it.
It takes a bit of courage and willpower to not spend all day thinking like that. It also takes a bit of a wake up call. You are not special. Every single person wants to change something about themselves or their body. Every single person worries about whether or not someone will reject them because of something they see as a flaw. Every thought you have about your outward appearance, thousands of other someone else's have had the same thought before you (and at the same time as you).
You are not special...but you are wonderful and unique in your own way. You are beautiful and, ok, you're even a bit special. You might be super talented at guitar. You might be hilarious as hell. You're probably the best at whatever you think you're the best at. (You play that bagpipe, Ian...or whatever your name is!) the point is you are special for reasons outside of your worries and physical appearance.
I know, it will get difficult to love yourself every day, all the time. As you can see, I'm struggling with it myself right now. However, you have to remember that you are worth what you are made of. You're worth the stars! If someone doesn't find you attractive, that's their loss. You move on. Know that they were not worthy of your brilliance. One day, someone will enter your life right when you need them. They will see all of the light shining from you that other's before them failed to recognise.
I'm learning that. I'm working on being content with loving myself. If my crush doesn't like me, oh well. I'll just enjoy the feeling of childish nervousness while it lasts. :)
Peace, Love, and Four Part Harmony!
Yve
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